The line of Fire

At some point most couples who are having a baby realize that birth is getting closer and their knowledge of how to care for a real live baby feels very very inadequate. We need a four year degree for nearly any job these days. You have to take a class when you're 16 to become licensed to drive. If you want to hunt you need to take a class before they'll sell you a license. Heaven forbid you want to sell someone food, you need a class and a certificate for that. If you want to take a live 3 day old baby home, just prove that you can strap it in a car seat and you're on your way. Somehow, the fact that you grew and birthed that baby is recognized as proof that you'll be able to get in through the next 18 years as well. No other qualifications needed.
What you end up with is a very steep learning curve. Thank god that babies only eat poop and sleep for the first few weeks. Those things you can handle without any training. The rest of their functions come on slowly and you learn as you go along. Their development is never so fast that it overwhelms you. Parenting is the ultimate on the job training.
We brought our first daughter home when she was three days old. We were on our own until our first doctors appointment at two weeks. My mother in law was there for the first few days and having both of us home was awesome. When my wife had to get up for something I was right there to hold the baby. When the baby needed to eat I handed her right back. While my wife was still sore I changed a lot of diapers and got the things that need to be got when you're still trying to learn the ropes. We were lulled into a sense that we really hand a handle on this whole baby thing.
On the morning of our first doctors appointment we were only a little nervous. Nobody wants to bring in a baby and have the doctor say that you're doing it wrong. This was our first one, how well could we self evaluate? She seemed healthy, ate well, was getting bigger, pooped like it was her job. Everything seemed like it was going to go perfectly. This would be our first validation that we really could do this. The doctor would check out the baby, declare her fine, declare us adequate parents and send us back to our land of ignorance. No more knowledgeable, but more secure in our ability to figure it out as we went along. My wife fed her one last time as I got ready, then I took her to change her diaper as my wife got ready. Even though the diaper seemed clean, better safe than sorry when heading to the doctor. Besides, I was a well oiled diaper changing machine after two whole weeks, no problemo.  Baby on the changing table. Pull up the gown. Diaper off. Reach for the new diaper.......
AH CHOO!

Oh my god.....
Did that just..... 
"Honey?"
"Everything ok?"
"Problem.....need help"
I need a new shirt.
And new pants.
And I need to clean up the floor.
And the wall.
Quickly.
We have to leave for the doctors appointment.
At least the baby is clean. 
This is what I learned: I had been changing her for two weeks and hadn't really thought too much about baby positioning. Her head was away, her butt was right there for diapering. It was all very convenient. I hadn't experienced a post feeding sneeze without a diaper yet. It had simply never occurred to me until I was actually wearing the effects of a diaperless sneeze. You change babies at an angle. You've got to keep things pointed in a safe direction. Never leave yourself in the line of fire.