I can't have nice things.

My wife said she'll buy me a Corvette. I think she's serious. A Corvette would be fun. I can't get one though, and at times I'm pretty sure that I don't want one. It's complex, I'll try to explain.
First and foremost are the guineas. I can't get them to understand that cars are not for exploring. They can climb in their coop. They can climb on the swing set. They can climb on the garage. They can NOT climb on the cars. They scratch the cars and they poop on the cars. This is, in general, not good for the cars. It makes me angry and I yell at then and throw things at them and they fly away. They I go inside and they have no correlation between me yelling and them being on the cars (even though that is the ONLY time I yell at them) so they fly back up on the cars. I can't hardly blame them, tall things are fun and they don't have the mental capacity to figure out cause and effect. They are what they are. I can't bring myself to kill them just for a car. That seems really greedy. Yes, they're the dumbest things capable of locomotion, and no, they wouldn't know or hold it against me if I ate them. They're only $3.60 each, so it's not like I'd be destroying a huge investment. We've sort of made a pact though, they eat ants and bugs, and I keep them alive. A deal is a deal. So, as long as the last two guineas stay alive, no new car, no matter what. Bummer.

I'm glad it's only my truck. Sort of.

The second part is more complex. It's about money. I don't make any of course. My wife always refers to the money she makes as "our" money. When it comes to groceries or bills or savings I tend to agree. When the purchase crosses the line to something that only benefits me, like a Corvette, I feel different. My wife works hard. She's smart. She works in an office which is something that I've tried and have come to the conclusion that I really don't want to do that for any extended period of time. I'm not sure that I want to do anything for an extended period of time. Parenting isn't like that. It always changes. Your babies grow, your responsibilities change. I can tell you almost to the day when all of my kids will be in school all day. I can tell you to the month when my oldest is likely to leave home for college and when my youngest will follow leaving the next empty. I'm not wishing for these things to come faster, but I know when they'll happen and how that's likely to affect what I do. But an office job? Knowing that I'll sit in front of a computer every day for 49 weeks a year until I'm old? That's too much for me. So I really really respect the fact that my wife not only handles it, but seems to like it and earns everything our family needs as a result. As much as she claims that I help her to be able to do her job, she's the one that does it. She earns it. It feels wrong to spend her efforts on things that are really nothing more than entertaining to me.
That brings me to the third thing. I know that the rush of getting a new Corvette would wear off. After 6 months, or a year, or five, it would just be a car. A fast car, a pretty cool car, but ultimately, just a car. I'd have to pay insurance on it and eventually buy another set of brutally expensive tires for it. It would depreciate, thousands of dollars a year. For that money I'd feel like I had to drive it. It would become something else in my life that demanded my time and effort. I'd start to resent it. I'd forget the joy that it brought me at first and only think of the other things I could have bought with that money. Or if I bought nothing, the money I would have saved to help with a more secure retirement. One purchase, one Corvette would never be enough, I'd have to get a new one whenever the new model came out. Maybe Corvettes wouldn't be enough, maybe I'd have to move on to Ferraries to get my rush. I'm finally old enough now.... maybe that's not right. I finally have enough experience to know that heading down the road of more, and more expensive, posessions will bring happiness, but only in small packets. Often in ends up bringing as much, or more, pain and anxiety as the happiness. You can't win. In the book I review below there is a quote: "The idea that just one more dollar, one more dalliance, one more rung on the ladder will leave us feeling sated reflects a misunderstanding about human nature - a misunderstanding, moreover, that is built into human nature; we are designed to feel that the next great goal will bring bliss, and the bliss is designed to evaporate shortly after we get there." This is the reality of being human. We strive, we accomplish, we desire to strive more. I'm not sure that always longing for a Corvette will in any way make me happy, but I do know that actually getting one is very unlikely to make me happier in the long run.

The book I finished this week:
The Moral Animal, why we are the way we are: the new science of Evolutionary Biology
Robert Wright
Why are people the way we are? Why do we love and fight and strive and feel guilty? Why do we have a sense of self and a desire to be liked and a universal sense of spirituality? All of this is part of being human, it's part of how we evolved as a species, and if it's there it was probably beneficial to us passing on our genes to the next generation. Wright looks at much of what is universal about humans and discusses how that did, or might have, evolved in the world of small family groups that we were born into for the million years or so up until very recently. A sense of striving can lead to more success which can lead to more chances to mate and an increased ability to raise your kids. You have more babies and more of them grow up to make babies if you're more successful. The desire to be successful is a very useful trait. The same with love of family, guilt and so much more. It's a fantastic book, and though I don't agree with all of his conclusions, it's well worth the read. It gives you knowledge that allows you go question your own motivations, like wanting a Corvette, and allows you to sort out why those thoughts are really there. A new Corvette would be awesome, so I'd be awesome, so I'd be more likely to have more babies. Except that I'm happily married and and can't have any more babies. So if I can consciously pull off that motivation, what's left?
This book is well worth reading?